Vulnerability, in the simplest terms, is exposing parts of ourselves to others.  This isn’t trench coat in an alleyway or even lock-the-door-so-the-kids-don’t-come-in adult time with your partner kind of stuff.  Its being open emotionally, physically, and socially, allowing others to get a picture of who you truly are, the deepest parts of you.  The act of opening those parts up to people involves risk, often an emotional one, but we do it to connect, to build trust, to increase our willingness and capacity for love.  And it can be fricken scary!

I picture vulnerability like a wall.  On one side of the wall is the public.  That side is all the stuff that most people know, the stuff you post on social media, the stuff you don’t care who has access.  Those things are fair game because there is no threat.  There is no risk.  That side of the wall is what you made for dinner, or a new outfit you wore, or some kickass thing your kid did, or an event that you attended with a bunch of other people.  For some, that public side is a little broader and their vulnerability wall has less behind it, but we all know where that line is for us, no line being right or wrong.

On the other side of the wall is the private.  That side of the wall is the stuff that most people don’t have access to, the stuff that you keep to yourself or only share in certain company with an amount of trust you find safe.  Those are the things like why you overate (or underate) that dinner you made, or why you think you look ugly (or fat, or poor, or not as good as…) in the new outfit, or why you feel like a failure as a parent, or why you’re insecure around other people.  The private side of our wall is our scary things, our embarrassing things, our secrets, the things we hold close to protect ourselves. 

I know for myself, I want to be truly, 100% me all the time (no matter how ridiculous that would be), with whoever I may be with.  But again, fricken scary!  We are taught throughout our lives what is appropriate and what isn’t.  We learn that there are people that aren’t safe.  We have painful relationships where we must find out that someone will use our vulnerabilities against us.  We have professional expectations which force us to put parts of us away for the time being.  We get hurt or judged and we put more behind that wall.  We all have a different level of vulnerability but no matter what is behind that wall, it is never easy to expose those things to others. 

Vulnerability can be considered a weakness.  When the synonyms of vulnerability include exposure, threat, intrusion, liability, and susceptibility it’s no wonder. Its no wonder that our society often judges people who share their emotions, express themselves fully, and are unique and don’t conform.  Its no wonder that practices that include connected relationships, intimacy, love, and compassion are looked at with stink eye.  Its no wonder that we stay stuck, in our society, in our healing, in our degree of quality of life.  We have been conditioned to believe that vulnerability is bad.  But that’s ridiculous.  Vulnerability is one of those most powerful things.  Vulnerability is a strength!  Vulnerability is courage!  Vulnerability is connectedness, passion, trust in ourselves, being truly seen.  It helps us process and integrate emotions.  It promotes emotional and mental health.  It improves and deepens our relationships.

One of the number one most beneficial components of healing, whether it be from stress or trauma or grief, is having safe relationships to work through your experiences within.  Its research, its proven, having a safe place with a safe person helps healing! 

But even with all of that, vulnerability is something you are the boss of.  You are in charge of the if and the when.  If you aren’t ready to move that wall in front of your neighbor, coworker, friend, family, or partner, that is totally ok!  You will when you are ready.  We all will when we are ready.  And if your wall is a little bit lower or doesn’t have much behind it, good for you!  Seriously!  Be proud of you, the public and the private.  Whether you are ready to be vulnerable now or not, remember that you are strong and brave and whatever is behind that wall is you and you are worthy.

Now the personal (vulnerable) side:  This topic is one that I struggle with myself on a regular basis.  Vulnerability is something that terrifies me (fricken scary!).  I have a healthy level of boundaries with the general public where I am able to form meaningful relationships both professionally and personally while managing to keep much of my “behind the wall” stuff very private.  I share what most people share like travel photos, my adorable son and his milestones, Dogs!, projects that have been completed, time with friends and family, events attended, my Christmas tree.  On a rare occasion I may even share something relating to politics and the economy.  But feelings, things I feel weak about, most of my opinions, things I perceive that have the potential to be used against me in some form or fashion, that’s going to be hard NOPE from me.  It makes shivers go up my spine, my stomach twists, and I feel very naked.  I just don’t do it!

But why not?  Much like most people I have had people I have trusted wholeheartedly break that trust.  I have had information that I provided (or sometimes information that was entirely made up) used against me to try to hurt me.  I have had friends and partners stab me in the back.  I have had friends and partners who have used things against me.  I have had partners who behaved as though they were the safest place in the world, made me feel safe and secure, and then turned around and used everything that I had shared to manipulate and control me.  Each of those instances (and thousands more) hold a place inside my head, my body.  That is how stress and trauma work.  Our bodies hold on to them and sometimes keep us stuck. 

Thankfully, each of those things are more of a needle of where I’ve been in the map of my life.  A reminder, a memory, but not an active trip.  I have been fortunate enough to know the importance of healing and integrating these experiences far before it seemed cool.  I did the work.  I have seen the therapists, done the reading and attended the classes, had EMDR, followed my own healing journey, owned my own healing journey which includes many different modalities.  Life is better because of it.  But vulnerability, is still fricken scary.  Isn’t that funny?  I know I am safe.  My body and mind feel safe.   I know that I am the boss and I only need to share what I feel comfortable sharing.  I know that only people who need healing will twist and turn what I put into the world, will try to hurt me.  My wall has become a fortress and even though my healing journey has been fantastic, there is always opportunity to take another step.  My next step is going to be allowing myself to be just a little more vulnerable.  I’m doing this for me.  But I hope that it helps you.  I hope that sharing my story and my feelings may show you how much you deserve to start your own healing journey.  To see where I’ve been and to see where I am now.  To see that healing is real, its possible.  I hope that just one thing that I put out into the world might motivate you to feel better, sleep better, work better, interact and cope better.  I hope that you know your worth, that you know you are deserving of healing, and that you are one amazing badass.