I am by no means a parenting expert and I won’t claim to be.  I am, however, an expert on trauma and throughout the personal and professional portions of my life I have witnessed patterns of behaviors in parents, usually parents who are separated but sometimes parents who are still living together, which have a negative effect, emotionally and psychologically, on their children.  Some of these behaviors could be classified as emotional abuse and, in many cases, lead to long term mental health concerns in the children like anxiety, depression, feelings of shame and guilt, attachment disorders, and the like. 

I am going to cover a few different topics here as areas of consideration that might stand out to someone and could improve the life of a kiddo somewhere out there.  Each point is unique to itself, but they may also relate to the others.  Additionally, each point comes from a place of research and a place of opinion.  If you want to pinpoint your specific stance, please do the research.  Start asking questions.  Learn both sides. Do some detective work.

The first point is about parental pain.  When a relationship ends, there can often be some strong feelings.  Sadness.  Hurt.  Heartache.  Resentment.  Anger.  A great and highly recommended option in these situations would be for the parents to make their own healing a priority to prevent those feelings from spilling over onto their children.  Find a counselor.  Get a coach.  Work through your past and your pain.  Sometimes when a person is unhealed, they want the person who caused their pain to feel what they feel, or they want to cause pain purely out of spite.  They may lash out.  They may behave in ways they normally wouldn’t.  They may try to hurt or sabotage the other parent.  They may try to cause pain through their children.  We should not be teaching children to deal with their own hurt by causing harm to others.  Whether it was the intention or not, children mirror what they see.  Also, children should have the opportunity to heal and should have access to knowledgeable and compassionate professionals who neutrally help them work through what is happening in their family.  If tolerable, family counseling could also be an option for both parents and the involved children so the children can see how to work through conflict and be reassured that nothing is their fault, and they are not in the middle of adult problems.

The second point is about custody.  I can’t say what any specific situation looks like, or what any specific home or relationship dynamic is, each situation is unique and must be addressed as such.  I can say, that if both parents are able to provide for their children and offer a safe and stable environment with similar quality time, then 50/50 custody and coparenting should be the standard.  There is research and opinions and other information for days.  It has been found that children who spend half time with each parent have less psychological symptoms than any other arrangement.  When a couple separates, the decisions that are made for the children should be made with the best interest of the children at heart.  Period.  Parents cook different, keep house different, have different rules and expectations, relate more to one gender over another, and those should be respected as part of a coparenting agreement unless there is a true safety concern or threat of harm.  If a decision is being made without the children’s best interest at the forefront or out of resentment, I’ll refer back to the parent working on their own much needed healing.  Putting children in situations where they must make hard decisions not intended for children to make or pinning them between one parent and another can be very uncomfortable and painful for the children. Even when those children become adults. Children who see and receive love and respect, respond with love and respect. Children who see and receive contention and hatred and arguing, respond similarly.  These responses may not be what they present in public, but they could very well become an inner voice that they fight and feel shame about.

The third point is about parental alienation.  Dr. Richard Gardner created the phrase “parental alienation syndrome” in 1985 and wrote extensively about it. He defined the syndrome as:

a childhood disorder that arises almost exclusively in the context of child-custody disputes. It is a disorder in which children, programmed by the allegedly “loved” parent, embark upon a campaign of denigration of the allegedly “hated” parent. The children exhibit little if any ambivalence over their hatred, which often spreads to the extended family of the allegedly despised parent (“Recommendations for Dealing with Parents Who Induce a Parental Alienation Syndrome in Their Children,” Journal of Divorce and Remarriage 28, nos. 3-4 [1998]).

Descriptors of parental alienation include:

1.  The child expresses a relentless hatred for the targeted parent.
2. The child’s language parrots the language of the alienating parent.
3. The child vehemently rejects visiting the targeted parent.
4. Many of the child’s beliefs are enmeshed with the alienating parent.
5. Many of the child’s beliefs are delusional and frequently irrational.
6. The child’s reasons are not from direct experiences but from what has been told to him or her by others.
7. The child has no ambivalence in his or her feelings; they are all hatred with no ability to see the good.
8. The child has no capacity to feel guilty about his or her behavior toward the targeted parent.
9. The child and the alienating parent are in lockstep to denigrate the targeted parent.
10. The child can appear like a normal healthy child. But when asked about the targeted parent, it triggers his or her hatred.

(Retrieved from https://www.ncsc.org/__data/assets/pdf_file/0014/42152/parental_alienation_Lewis.pdf)

Parental alienation can have devastating effects on a child which include “an impaired ability to establish and maintain future relationships; a lowering of the child’s self-image; a loss of self-respect; the evolution of guilt, anxiety, and depression over their role in destroying their relationship with a previously loved parent; lack of impulse control (aggression can turn into delinquent behavior); and educational problems, disruptions in school (https://www.ncsc.org/__data/assets/pdf_file/0014/42152/parental_alienation_Lewis.pdf).

Dr. Gardner stated that parental alienation should be considered child abuse and handled criminally.  It has been found that when children spend equal time with each parent or more time with the targeted parent, parental alienation is less likely as the children will see the true person and the positive attributes of the other parent.  It is easy to condition and alienate when a child only hears one side and only sees one home.

**Any time an adult/parent speaks poorly about another adult/parent to a child, IT IS MANIPULATION! 

Children should not be responsible for holding that type of information.  If there is a true safety concern, it is a parent’s job to protect the child (usually in court) until they are old enough to have the need to protect themselves (age of adulthood), at which time, they can be provided the necessary information and then appropriately process in the right context.  The cognitive development of children, even into the early 20s, affects how they can handle this type of information, especially if there is a history of manipulative behavior.

I get calls and messages frequently from friends and family and it comes up with coaching clients about custody concerns, situations where there appears to be parental alienation, and just plain disrespectful relationships.  Again, I am no expert in parenting, each situation is different, but I hope that the previous points give some insight and may help someone find a direction if faced with similar issues.  Sometimes we don’t know there is a problem unless we look and we definitely never get the proper support until we know there is a problem. It appears these topics are becoming more and more common these days.  Separations hurt.  Not being with your kids hurts.  But, personally, knowing I caused harm to my child is too much.  I would do whatever I needed to do to deal with my pain to have a positive coparenting relationship for the sake of my child.  My husband and I have a happy and healthy marriage, but we have had these discussions to put plans in place that if something were to ever happen we would make the best choices, together, for our child. Will it be hard?  Yes.  Will it hurt?  Likely.  Will it be worth it?  Hell yes.

If you see yourself in any of the things I have discussed, seek support.  There are counselors who are knowledgeable about these topics.  If you are a minor and identify with anything I have shared, reach out to a safe adult.  If you are a parent who is struggling in one of these areas, start your healing journey, put your children above yourself, and seek help.  You may think you are doing something for the benefit of your children but, you could be causing them long term damage and psychological harm.  Please don’t involve your children in adult matters and don’t teach your children hate.  Move forward treating the other parent how you wish to be treated and give your children the best chance at healthy adult relationships, stable attachments, and positive mental health.

*Disclaimer, as stated throughout, these statements are for situations in which both parents can offer safe and stable homes.  In cases of abuse, neglect, violence, etc. the responses would be very different.