“I’m sorry.” 

“I was wrong.” 

“That was thoughtless of me.”

“It wasn’t my intention, but I know I hurt you.”

“Please forgive me.”

“Excuse my behavior.”

“I made a mistake.”

“I want to apologize for….”

“I regret….”

“It was my fault.”

Apologizing is a simple concept with a process that many of us are taught as small children, but many people find the art of an effective apology elusive.

Pain is often the root of our desire to receive an apology.  Emotional pain, physical pain, the pain of disappointed expectations, rejection, lack of respect, and on and on.

What is the root of our inability to give an apology?  Fear?  Unwillingness to admit that our actions caused someone pain?  Pride? Lack of care?  Lack of empathy? Disregard for the relationship?  Low self-worth?

We have all been hit with the insincere apology.  The apology that feels like its just words in the wind. 

We have all experienced the nonexistent apology.  The apology that never came.

We have all experienced the apology that feels a lot like gaslighting and somehow makes you feel like whatever happened was your fault or you are wrong for being upset about it.

We have all had an apology that turns into many apologies as the same behavior is repeated time and time again, and eventually it’s just words with no meaning.

When it comes to apologies, we can’t force anyone to be sorry or say they are sorry.  An apology is not required for forgiveness.  Forgiveness is a personal journey that we take with or without the input from another person.  An apology is, however, essential for reconciliation.  It is a step toward rebuilding trust and mending the relationship (if that is the outcome you want).  Everyone makes mistakes.  Providing an apology isn’t saying you behaved intentionally to cause pain.  It is ultimately saying that that you are acknowledging that the impact of your behavior was greater than the intent, your relationship is more important than your pride, and you can affirm that something you did caused harm to another in some way.

That intent thing really seems to catch a lot of people. “Well, I didn’t mean to…”  Most people can be sure you didn’t, but it doesn’t matter.  You don’t get to decide if, when, or how your behavior affected another.  If someone shares with you that something you did caused them pain, then that is real for them.  You don’t get to decide how your words and actions are received.  The impact means more than the intent. 

So, how do we learn this elusive art of an effective apology?  Do it.  Follow through.  Be sincere.  Science provides a list of six steps to take which have been shown to be most effective and meaningful.  These are:

1. Show or state regret (I’m sorry for…)
2. Explain what went wrong
3. Claim responsibility for the impact
4. Declare repentance or restitution
5. Promise change, offer repair
6. Request forgiveness

These are all great.  But I am going to simplify this to make it even easier (you choose which list you prefer):

1. Apologize and mean it
2. Actively work toward changing the behavior, aiming to not repeat in the future
3. Behave in a way that shows repair of the relationship and rebuilding trust is the goal

I had a counselor once that told me “actions are truth,” and I have reminded myself of that almost daily for a decade.  Words are great.  Some people thrive off the words they hear, but for many, words are just words.  They can be empty promises.  They can be insincere.  They can be a desire to avoid conflict.  They can be blaming or finger pointing.  They can be a win or lose battle.  This isn’t always the case, but if you’re actions don’t reflect your words, then they are just words.  Actions.  Are.  Truth.

If you are a person waiting for an apology that may never come, my heart goes out to you.

If you are a person who needs to issue a true, heartfelt apology, I hope that this was helpful.  Put yourself if the other person’s shoes and imagine how your behavior affected them.  Apologizing isn’t a sign of weakness and shouldn’t come with shame.  It is a sign of strength and character.  Could there be consequences?  Of course.  Being aware of your own actions and humility to empathize with the feelings of others is a superpower (in my professional opinion 😉).